One Night Stand

She woke up before he did and stood before the mirror
Lips swollen, two hickeys on the side of her neck
With a heavy shadow on her face, the shadow of shame

She woke up before he did, wanting to throw up
Disgust and regret stirring up a storm in her belly
Rising bile to her throat and sending her to the bathroom

She woke up before he did and promptly went back to bed
Hoping she'd wake up later to discover it was all a dream
Crossing her fingers and toes, She woke up before he did and went back to bed

She woke up before he did and snuck out the window
If she didn't see or talk to him before she left
Maybe she could erase last night from her memory

She woke up before he did and called her mama
Sobbing into the phone, she repeated brokenly
" I'm sorry, Mama, I'm not the girl you raised anymore "

She woke up before he did with a tear stained face
And to these old tear trails were added fresh ones
As her prayer warrior mama began to pray with her

She woke up before he did full of regret
Sick to the stomach and craving amnesia
She woke up before he did, a broken woman

But as mama cried out from the depths of her womb
Her deep regret became true repentance
And comfort from above engulfed her grief

She woke up before he did, a broken woman
But she left the hotel before he did, a changed woman
And that was her last one-night stand ever

On Forgiveness...

"To forgive is not to condone the offense, to say it made no difference, or to license its repetition. Rather, forgiveness is a decision to no longer hold an offense against another group or person. It's a choice, just like love. Choose wisely!" ~Robin Harford

Forgiveness is something I struggle with ever so often. One of the joys of letting few people close is that those who do, get really close and so have amazing power to hurt you. 

source: jameswoodward.wordpress.com

Another thing that brings me to the forgiveness struggle over and over is my need to understand things to let it go. When I have been hurt or let down, what caused me the most anguish was the 'Why?'.

For this reason, I am convinced that breaking up with someone without telling them exactly why you broke up with them is tantamount to emotional terrorism... but I digress.

So yeah, the forgiveness thing is not my forte and even less so is the forgetting part. And God being the patient teacher, time and again, I have been reminded of things that make nonsense of holding grudges.

1) Nobody can nor will wrong me to the extent that I wrong God. And if He forgives...

2) No matter how badly someone wrongs me, God wont stay mad at them because I haven't let it go. When they repent, He will forgive them. And will not withhold His blessings from them just cos I said so.

3) Whether we understand the actions of others or not, we are solely responsible for how we choose to process and react to them.

While the first one cannot really be debated, or at least elicits very little debate from me, the second and third have struck close to home a couple of times. 

When you seek closure from a past hurt and you realize your past tormentor doesn't remember and has changed and so feels bad and apologizes although they don't remember, you realize how futile holding on to past hurt and grudges are. You're often the only one who suffers... and remembers.

Makes you wonder who you hurt and may not even remember, doesn't it?

When you see a friend's ex who was cheating with like ten different girls become a pastor and marry an amazing minister of God, and go on to have an awesome life while your friend still harbors some resentment, you realize how God isn't waiting for your forgiveness to bless someone.

And even when they don't change but remember and feel no remorse, you see them later on and realize that allowing their decision to be deliberately evil to affect your soul is a complete waste of time and emotional resources.

And you realize how although the starting quote said it was a choice, it's a necessary choice.

source: randomthoughtsonlifeblog.com

How do you handle forgiveness? What makes it easier?

How are you really, friend?

Friends are those rare people who ask how we are and then wait to hear the answer.
-- Ed Cunningham

Three words, nine letters, and it can make all the difference in the world: “How are you?” At times I am convinced that a sincere “How are you?” says more about how much you mean to someone than an “I love you”.

We can gush out an “I love you” to a stranger that lets us go before them to the bathroom when they notice us dancing to the tune of a bursting bladder and totally mean it at the time. And of course, we can say it more times than we can count no matter how false it may be when we feel it is what we need to say to get ‘some’.

But I have noticed this; No matter how badly you want a person or want a favor from said person, or are grateful to said person, it is mighty hard to listen to the answer to “How are you?” when you do not care. Especially when the answer is anything other than “I am fine, thanks for asking”.

At times, I do not realize how far I have drifted from a friend until they ask “How are you?” If a reflex “I am fine” comes out when I am anything but, I know the friendship is going downhill and I need to decide if I’m going to try and save it or just watch it fall into that dark abyss of past friendships.

If I ask a perfunctory “How are you?” and cannot be bothered to listen to anything that is not an equally cursory “I am fine”, I know there is no need lying to myself about how little someone really matters.

It amazes me how amazed everyone is at a suicide. The amazement is even more amazing when the person has tons of ‘friends’ and loved ones coming out to say how sorry and sad they are and that they had no idea what the person was going through.

It makes me wonder, if people are such amazing actors/actresses, why are we being plagued with so many horrible movies these days? (JK! Ok, half-kidding)

It makes me wonder, would someone asking “How are you?” and waiting to hear the full answer, no matter how long and horrible it was, have made a difference? I don’t know… but I wonder.

A failed suicide attempt had parents and friends ask; “Why?” “Why didn’t you talk to us?” “How could we not know?” Still shaking from the visit to the no man’s land between life and death, Anna said, “You did not ask”. Mary looked away and said ‘I did. You didn’t listen’

While some people would judge and say you should be proactive about seeking help when you need it, blah blah blah, I think of how often we ask ‘How are you?’ and neither expect nor wait for a real answer.

Sometimes all we need is someone to listen. So what if the next time I ask a friend ‘How are you?’ I ask in a way that told them they could get vulnerable? What would I learn? What could I prevent?

#thingsIthinkaboutat4am

I know the internet has made long-distance relationships 'easier' and our loved ones are more available to us now when they are not with us than they've ever been. Yet, sometimes, like a sick child or a pregnant woman who will refuse any food that is not the vegetarian pizza sold 50 miles away when they are not even vegetarian, no amount or mode of communication can fill the void of their absence.

There are just those times where you want to go and find Celine Dion and hug her for her song 'When I need Love' because you're detesting the miles and miles of empty spaces and realizing a telephone can truly not take the place of a smile...

It sucks that Long-Distance is inevitable at times. Watching the army wives and girlfriends around me, I don't know how they do it. Even people with ah-so-frequent communication are crying for more. I asked my friend how she did it and she said no matter how little of him she gets, she'd rather have 0.001% of him that 0%. I guess that sorta kinda makes sense...

I’d rather have you here…

I know I could text you, IM you, ping you, etc.

But I’d rather hear your voice

I’d rather feel your stubble

Gently grazing my neck

As you whisper into my ear

I’d rather breathe you in

With my arms around you

Holding you near

I’d rather not text,

Or Skype, or IM

I’d rather have you here

And it hurts,

That I can’t have

What I’d rather

But through all the pain,

If stopping the pain

Means saying goodbye,

I’d rather miss you

I’d rather hurt

Although above all,

I’d rather have you here.

(Right now)

PS: Distance can go play in traffic right now.
PPS: I just realized this is my 100th post. 

Why I know I will 'always' love you

• Because I couldn't grasp the dictionary definition of euphoria until you held me away in your arms after a long hug, looked me in the eye with wonder and kissed my forehead with reverence. 

• Because I, Miss flippant and nonchalant began to do crazy, fiercely possessive things like envy the sun its ability to touch any and every part of you, right there in the open.

• Because the light and heat from your smile that greets me when I enter a room makes me wonder why energy is still an issue when there's enough light and warmth for an eternity in that smile.

• Because your hand holding mine is more than enough backbone to face whatever obstacle life may think itself clever to have thrown my way. 

• Because I never understood Romeo and Juliet until I stood by your bedside, machines beeping and wondered what would be left to live for if you didn't make it.

• Because I never understood leaving the 99 sheep to pursue the lost one until I stood in my dream house, dream job in hand and realized I'd gladly give them all up to have you back from beyond

• Because I can't bring myself to talk/write about you in the past tense after all this while.

• Because I've never stopped asking God why

• Because, just because