How Safe is ‘Safe Sex’?

DJ Crosby was on the board and that statement alone tells you everything you need to know about the success of the event given that it was a salsa dance party. This guy handled the turntable with such finesse that I found myself wishing I was a turntable, being maneuvered masterfully under the tips of his fingers to produce sounds that were pure aural bliss. This was profound given that ‘Spanish Guitar’ was playing when I had this thought, and I have wanted to be played like a Spanish guitar for as long as I can remember. 

My dance partner that night was perfect, making an already awesome night all the more awesome. This guy was one of the most sensitive dance partners I have ever had. He made me look like I sashayed into the aviation social center after stepping off the plane from an international salsa competition where I won several trophies, a remarkable and commendable feat given my two left feet.

Despite my loving his partnering skills, I had only danced with Boris twice. His Barbie-proportioned girlfriend was usually an arm’s length away tensioning you with her perfect figure and flawless make-up. As if that was not enough, this girl had the most piercing brown eyes that made you feel guilty and want to confess even when you had done nothing wrong. She was a lawyer and I felt for those who would stand trial in her courtroom when she became judge.

Only one girl had been able to break her cool, collected, I-know-my-boyfriend-and-I-are-the-hottest-couple-here stance and that was my crazy twin, Robbie. When Robbie walks into a room, she immediately singles out the hottest guy in the room and introduces herself. The day I managed to drag her to salsa, she walked straight to the guy and introduced herself while he was dancing with his girlfriend. Chelsea looked at her with her best ‘back-off he’s mine’ look and Robbie, without batting an eye said “Oh, but it’s not him I was checking out. I was actually playing out fantasies with you in my head.” This silenced Chelsea, a first, and everyone cheered silently for Robbie. 

Chelsea was nowhere in sight tonight and I took full advantage to fulfill some of my tamer fantasies with Boris. I danced a little closer, popped my back a little harder to make my behind look bigger, and exaggerated every sway of my hips, using every turn to run my hands through my hair and slide them artfully down my nape, ending provocatively right above my bosom. 

The ever-sensitive partner, Boris quickly read my vibes and turned me in his arms, putting me in prime position to grind upon him during a particularly sultry Portuguese number. Caught in the sensual haze, I had not noticed the lights in the makeshift dance studio had dimmed until my furtive glance around to see if we were putting on a show. We were not. In fact, the couple next to us was bordering on obscene and no one was paying them heed because each couple was caught in their own cocoon of lust.

Emboldened by the darkness which assuaged some of my catholic guilt, I slowly unleashed some of the dance moves I usually reserved for my mirror at home. 

The song barely ended when he put his palm in the small of my back and led me outside. It seemed to have rained while we were inside, and the night was cool and dark, beckoning one into the shadows with sultry promise. For some inexplicable reason, Boris became shy when we found a step to sit on and he just held my hand and talked. He told me about his recent break-up with Chelsea (I cheered silently), and we got to know each other. In fact, he was regaling me with an anecdote about his time as entertainment prefect in PRESEC when I looked up and saw the sun had begun to rise. We had talked from 1am to 6am!

I bolted from his arms, remembering the wedding I had to attend with my mom later in the day. It was in Keta and we were scheduled to leave Accra by 9:00am. I should have gotten home eons ago.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………

♪♪ Ai se eu te pego, ai ai se eu te pego ♪♪. I glanced at my phone.  Boris. We had spoken every day this past week, but had both missed salsa this Friday due to work commitments. Today was a week after the wedding.

-       Hey!

-       Hey!

-       Do you swim?

-       Some.

-       My buddy is having a pool party later today. Wanna come?

-       You don’t have to do this to see me in a bikini, you know? You could just ask.

-       Okay, Miss. I would very much like to see you in a bikini at this pool party my friend is having today.

-       Touché. Where at?

-       He lives near Midindi hotel, but I insist on picking you up.

-       I’ll be around Labone visiting with cousins so text me the address and I’ll have my cousin drop me. You can drive me home, though.

-       I’d rather pick you up from your cousins. But if you insist…

-       I do (I cut in)

-       Okay. I’ll text you the address. See you later.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………

Boris in swimming trunks was truly a sight for sore eyes, but then I already knew that from the slim-fit shirts he sometimes wore to salsa. Besides, you don’t flip and lift all xxx pounds of the awesome I am with such ease without serious muscles. 

“Where can I change?” I asked. “I’ll show you.” He briskly whisked me off. We had scarce turned the corner when he slammed me into the wall and kissed me. “Hello!” he said, after a brief kiss. “Hi!” I said, leaning in for a longer kiss. “Behave!” He said slyly. ‘We are in somebody’s house.” I laughed, vowing to get back at him later.

Boris’ whistle when I came out was worth the $80 I had spent on the Calvin Klein bikini set I had bought on sale at Nordstrom. I stood taller and somehow flicked my kinky afro hair. After introductions to the group, we raced a couple of laps and sat down, legs dangling in the water to talk.

-       I got my test results back from the doctor yesterday

-       Which test results? 

-       Chelsea and I broke up because she was cheating on me with a girl. Well it turns out the girl was cheating on her with a boy who must have also been doing his own thing because he caught hepatitis B and passed it down the chain. Chelsea only told me because she had to.

-       Oh! 

-       Anyway, I had had the vaccine so knew I probably hadn’t caught it, but decided to do complete blood work to verify I was clean and see what else I may have caught.

-       And…

-       I’m clean

-       Oh, ok 

-       I would also like you to take all the tests

-       You’re assuming it will matter. You’re assuming we will…

(I gasped! He had snuck his hand behind me and trailed his icy-cold fingers down my sun-kissed back. I glanced sideways at him, the Ghanaian girl blush, as Mensa calls it. The heat in his eyes made me blush for real. Okay, so we definitely would)

-       Should I feel insulted because you are demanding this? 

-       No, you should feel taken care of. It’s not just for my safety. There is for instance no way to test for HPV for guys. Take the test, and get the vaccine. Let’s know what we are working with.

-       You can catch stuff from kissing too, you know? (I asked, musing.)

-       I know. You could have given me oral herpes already…

-       Among other things… (I solemnly said )

The rest of the afternoon went wonderfully, and as I lay in bed that night, I thought of safe sexual behavior and remembered a question Nana Darkoa asked last week. “Is ‘safe sex’ truly ever safe?”

This is a generation that tweets and blogs about one-night stands and having risqué oral and other sexual encounters in parking lots and backseats of cars.

A condom does not protect against contact-spread infections, and your faithfulness does not guarantee your partner’s.

With so much seemingly out of our control, it’s perplexing that we do not always control what we can. We have people priding themselves on being #teamraw. We have people thanking God they are not pregnant every month. We have people having unprotected side sex all the time and bringing back to their partners who may have been faithfully waiting at home, not just news of babies, but infections upon infection.

We see people brandishing Postinor as their birth-control method of choice, proud that they are baby-free, ignoring what infections they may be picking up of spreading.

How does one keep safe in the madness of it all? Aside the best bet abstinence which even then can only last till marriage, how do you keep safe? What are your rules and defense mechanisms? Are they truly enough?

Food for thought.

Letter to my Sister (1)

This letter was inspired by a conversation I had with a friend’s younger sister. It was written to encourage those who may need encouragement or know someone who does… 

Dearest Naomi,

O, how the tables have turned from yesterday! I hear them whispering behind my back; saying in hushed tones ‘Can you believe her!’  I see them point and laugh. They call me ‘relic’, ‘dinosaur’ and taunt me with their stares. But I am unfazed; I do not care. And it only makes them stare harder, wonder more. What is with her?

I went to school the other day to find scrawled on my locker; ‘Get with the program, girl! The definition changed from dignity to a lack of opportunity’ I smile and wipe it off. When will they get that I don’t care? That I have no desire to enroll in the so-called program?

I thank God for the little talk we had before you went off to college. It’s helped me understand them and respond in love. Animosity towards what’s different from you is probably as old as society. We tend to shun and ridicule what we do not understand. But I’d be all too willing to explain if only they’d ask!

I’m not doing this to feel special or to get attention for being different. This kind of attention, I can live without. It’s neither cos I was told in Sunday school nor cos I have ice running through my veins. I have the same desires they do. I’m doing this for one reason only, to honor God’s temple.

And even then, this is not all it takes. It’s the purity of body, mind and spirit and becoming more and more like Christ by consistently doing God’s will through Christ who strengthens me that honors God. So I do not feel any better than anyone for all sin is sin.

I have a question for you though, do you remember at youth fellowship when Auntie Mary said there were fringe benefits to remaining a virgin before marriage and she gave the example of your husband not having to wonder if any guy who greets you a little too familiarly once owned what is now his? You got up, nostrils flaring and said, ‘If it was for a man, I would have given up ages ago; these men who cheat and beat their wives?’

Everyone was surprised because you were always so quiet but it did drive a point home; it’s for God. And that is why sometimes I worry when I find myself praying; ‘God, I really hope you have someone special for me’, as if I deserve some reward for honoring Him. Do you feel that way sometimes?

Your Sister,

Eunice

Let's talk about what we don't like talking about... (hehehe... not what you're thinking)

I don't know why, but I have female reproductive health on my mind. BTW, where is everyone rushing to with their first sexual encounters? 

I remember in high school, during a class on Reproductive health, I raised my hand and asked if girls could get pregnant from oral sex since the semen went into their bellies where babies are made... Yup, 16 year old me with her years of reading romance novels just had to ask this question which was bothering her mind in class. I got laughed at for my naivety, but I got my answer; No.

Today, people are proudly broadcasting that they had sex at twelve and ten years old. Mehn! The way I didn't want my childhood to end! And people are just rushing to be grown ups ASAP. Hmm...

Anyway, my friend recently turned 21 and when I called, I said; "Congratulations! You're now legal worldwide. In fact if you were in France, you could now finally vote! And now that you are fully grown up, it's time to make that trip to the doctor for your pap smear"

"For what?" She asked. 

"Your pap..." I started... 

"I heard you the first time. Why now?"

"Well, it's supposed to take place when you turn 21 or after your first sexual experience"

Being the clown that she is, she made my day by replying;

"Etoile, but if I haven't opened my legs for the person for whom it's meant, why would I go and lie down for some (stranger) doctor to poke around in the name of medicine?"

"So you'll know if everything is okay down there.."

"Please, everything is okay. What hasn't killed me till now, can wait till I marry"

We laughed about it but I wondered... How many of us do anything to check and make sure everything is okay with us? A doctor friend tells me many have had their lives saved through a routine check Why? Cervical cancer. A pap smear can be your lifeline because like all cancers, the earlier it's caught, the better your chances of survival. 

So yes, let's giggle and blush about it... but if you're 21 and above or are/have been sexually active, do yourself a favour and get that smear. Who knows? It may save your life...

So, apparently, a woman boosts her chances of getting cervical cancer if she:

• Starts having sex before age 18
• Has many sex partners
• Has sex partners who have other sex partners
• Has or has had a STI

(side-eying those deciding to have sex at age twelve and ten whilst their counterparts forced into prostitution would give almost anything to have their innocence back)

Virginity versus Purity

An old post by Naijalines (Back door virgins) which I chanced upon recently got me thinking about an issue which interests me greatly... 

Especially in the light of a conversation I overheard recently where a girl was telling her friend how she was a virgin and got a phone call with her friend at the other end, asking which lubricant was best for anal sex. I don't know if she was advertising the sound quality of her phone that day, because the whole bus heard.

In high school, I wrote a piece about how many mothers were giving their daughters reason to believe the only reason they cared what they did with their sexualities was because they were afraid they'd contract HIV/AIDS or get pregnant and bring disgrace to the family. It's a sad truth in many homes and my problem was that I felt if that was really the issue, you might as well throw some condoms at your daughter when she turns ten or eleven and tell her to be careful. It was devaluing a mother's interest in her daughter's reproductive health to what society would think of the mother should her daughter get pregnant or HIV/AIDS.

In the issue at hand (Virginity versus Purity), my concern is that the idea of virginity is reduced to the technicality of having some sort of barrier (be it a hymen or unusual tightness) to bear witness to a purity which is often not there. 

At a Campus event, two years ago, a speaker ventured that the first kiss of any couple should be at the Altar. You should have seen the looks on our faces! It was like 'If that was the criteria, then we've all failed' And it was a Christian gathering. There is supposed to be 'Not even a hint' of sexual immorality amongst us and yet, it appeared impossible and ludicrous to us, in our day and age to expect that from us.

Another seminar I went to had the speaker asking us to guess the most asked question he got whenever he spoke to students about sex. You guessed right, 'How far is too far' was the question. The question although very valid exposed our hearts. We all wanted to know how much we could do and still be in God's good books. But then he asked us to think about the reason behind our boundaries...

This is what bugs me about the whole virginity issue. The only boundary appears to be a hymen... and I am not here to cast any stone because if this was the case of the Adulterous woman, I'd be one of the first to put her stone down and run home.

But seriously, when someone who has had anal sex, oral sex, boob sex, and many other types of sex you cannot begin to imagine acts holier than someone who has had penetrative V sex because she still has her hymen intact, it really bugs me. What's the point, really? 

The most valuable lesson on this issue I learnt, was from a guy who had managed with the help of God, to complete university an unkissed virgin. When I expressed surprise and admiration, he asked, aren't the lips part of virginity? To him, it was all about devotion to God and his future wife...

The question shouldn't be one of a hymen ('virginity') but one of purity of mind, heart and body, if indeed you are abstaining for religious reasons. And for husbands and families who demand blood on the wedding night and don't really care about the rest, seriously? I can have anal sex with a horse and you wouldn't care, so long as I produce blood on my wedding night? really?

If we're abstaining, let's be pure. If we are being responsible, let's go all out and get tested regularly and use protection at all times. If we're on the fence and playing the two sides, let's recognize our situation as such and stop acting holier than thou. 

Besides, if a hymen equaled holiness, it would soon be redundant, because didn't some plastic surgeon figure out how to recreate one? It's only a matter of time before we have 'virginity' for sale. Purity on the other hand, will never be for sale...

#JustSaying

A Child Prostitute

No, this is not a child prostitute. She and I are crying for the loss of Childhood innocence suffered by many.
credit:synaptoman

They say it hurts a lot the first time

I do not doubt it

I have seen these men come and go 

And if they are in proportion to themselves

I can imagine how it would hurt

For I am twelve and but a wee lass

They say there's loads of pain and shame

But all I can feel are the pains in my tummy

All I can see are the tears of my dying mother

All I can hear are the cries of my baby brother

Crying in vain for food, breastmilk,

Which the desert of  my mother's ailing body cannot produce

They say, don't do it, you're so young

And beautiful with your whole life ahead of you

Not understanding I have no hope

of living to see this future otherwise

What use will youth and beauty be to me?

When I lie dead from sickness and hunger?

They say its an evil, I believe them

I wish i didn't have to do this too

The pot-bellies disgust me, i disgust myself

I've cried out to God till I have no tears left

And what is shame in the face of pain?

(hunger pangs, hurt, no lie!)

And what is pain (of deflowering) in the face of death?

##For all the Children who are compelled to become adults before their time...

#Put a smile on a needy Child's face this Christmas

(The) Some Male Minds

Reading Dava's Blog the other day, I was reminded of one incident that left a sour taste in my mouth. I was on a bus headed for circle and the radio programme airing at that time was on ladies who cheated on their husbands, got pregnant, and passed the kids off to their husbands as their own (their husbands, that is).

There was one very vocal guy on the bus who exclaimed that it would never happen to him, that women could not be trusted, and that was why he would never marry but will continue to use as many women as he could. To quote him, 'As you no go fit put meter for your woman top, she fit share plus any bro. So why pay for it?Why be the monkey when you can be the baboon and chop some free?' He went on and on for about fifteen minutes.

Of course, I must mention that considering this man's looks and mannerisms, it was no loss to women that he didn't want to get married. However, his opinions which he was proudly forcing down our throats just rubbed my feminist self too badly for me not to comment. 

I turned to the guy sitting next to me and said 'This guy is making noise. How will what he is saying solve anybody's problems? Besides, if no man was to touch another woman other than his wife, this problem would be non-existent.' Seriously, guys, think about it... (Of course, reasoning along similar lines, I will also say that if women allowed only their husbands to touch them, cheating husbands would be non-existent cos there would be no one for them to cheat with. If he was going around using women (other people's wives, now or in future), why was he making noise about someone using his own?

And here, [Editor's note: Did my suggestion sound ridiculous? It would in this day and age, right? Like Miss Kris said, 'that is such an amazing way to think about it. too bad it's unrealistic... that's like asking for a world of completely monogamous people. doubt people will ever come around to that. but it's a really good hypothesis anyway'. And because we are not willing to make that sacrifice, we shouldn't blame anyone for the mess we're in. We are all contributing - consciously or unconsciously. Just work on YOUR relationship]

Mr. vocal overheard this and said 'How can I dae a girl and not touch her? What the would show that she is mine?' He then proceeded to propound a very stupid theory. "Women are proud and very aware of their sexuality these days and use their sexuality against men. With the campaign for girl-child education, they have also become loud and argumentative. We all know women are smarter than us so the only way you can subdue a today's woman is to sleep with her. Then, she becomes mellow and knows her place.

Seriously? Sex is how you subdue a woman and retain your manhood? Then that manhood must not have been very big to begin with. You cannot imagine how pissed I was. .. He actually said 'When you catch her, you give it to her well well and she will know who is boss.' Lesbianism began to look very good to me, especially when about 70% of the men in the bus proceeded to agree with him. 

When you take a woman's sexuality and womanhood and bastardize it, making it her weakness and your weapon against her, a way of staking your claim on her... Will she want to be a WOMAN? Be with a man?No wonder more and more ladies are becoming lesbians. No wonder more women are wising up and using their sexualities to get what they want from life. It's sad, really! But hey, if they are going to be used anyway, it might as well be on their terms, don't you think?

www.photochart.com

Of course, I shouldn't really pay that much attention to this guy. He also said educated women should not marry educated men because those will cheat on them. They should marry fitters, masons and the like to decrease the income gap... We asked him what he would say and do if his university graduate daughter wanted to marry a truck-pusher and he fumbled. Everyone in the car pounced on him... even the masons and fitters who had initially nodded when he started the theory joined in.

When someone asked if he had ever been hurt by a woman, he said never! How possible? He also said he had 4 sisters and that his parents were still together. Where then did he get this 'socialization' from? Is there hope at all with men walking about thinking like this???