On Getting over a Break-Up

Sometimes, a bad break-up is a blessing in disguise. It leaves little room for entertaining 'sankofa-ish' thoughts. Sally thought back to how this was recently true in her own life. Her last break-up had been particularly painful and nearly cost her the scholarship she held at the time. She had cried herself to bed more times then she cared to count and had dated many ice-cream flavors in a series of one-night stands which left her waistline carrying a few extra inches as battle scars.

She stopped wearing make-up and wore naught but sweats for months on end (Granted, after a while, this was because they were the only things that fit anymore). She lost all interest in school and only went to class so she wouldn't get kicked out of the program. Once in class, she spent the time trying very hard to look interested while counting the seconds till she could go back to her apartment, lay in the fetal position, cuddle whichever ice-cream flavor was sharing her bed that night, and watch sad movies or listen to heartbreak music till sleep gave her respite from her wandering mind and aching heart. It was a dark, dark time.

Through all the darkness however, it never came to calling Senanu to take her back. Nary a drunken text (or whatever the teetotaler equivalent was) passed her phone. And it was all because of the nature of the break-up. Senanu's treatment of the situation left no doubt in her mind that she was never going back to date him. This is not to say that she walked away from him without a second glance. Having been friends long before they dated, she would often weep for the loss of their friendship and wish he could be there for her as he was pre-dating. It wasn't until much later that it sunk in that the whole "Let's be friends" after a break-up thing held very little appeal for most people, especially when they are male... especially when there's next to no chance of future copulation.

Anyway, Sally was taking stock of the blessing of her break-up today because she just finished talking to her best friend Akosua on the phone and that conversation made her realize that although she never wanted a second chance after the break-up, it wasn't until recently that she had gotten over the whole Senanu incident. She hadn't talked to Akosua in a while and it was Akosua who pointed out her healing to her.

Sally had equated not wanting a come-back to being over Senanu. However, as Akosua pointed out, she was never able to talk about or to him without getting somewhat emotional. She had suppressed all her anger at the break-up and so a little would escape every time she came into contact with him or his name was mentioned in conversation. While they were no longer together, he still had rent-free accommodation in her heart. Only difference was that he had been moved from the master bedroom to the boys quarters.

Akosua noted her friend was getting healed the day she met Senanu and his new girl. Sally had initially been hesitant to meet them, having her suspicions that Senanu had started dating this new girl while they were still together. She was afraid she would meet the girl and act in a way or say something untoward. However she met the girl and realized that all her questions about when they started dating didn't matter. Not immediately, mind you. She had wanted to query Senanu and settle the issue in her mind once and for all. But she started asking the questions and realized there was no point. It didn't matter. And that was the beginning of her closure.

Her other close friend Gyamfua offered an explanation to why this was so. Forgiveness. Sally had never forgiven Senanu nor herself and that had laid siege to her letting go and truly getting over him. When Gyamfua's own boyfriend broke up with her, he moved away from town and so was able to make a fresh start. Gyamfua always resented his fresh start while she had to stay in town and deal with all their family and friends and their 'well-meaning' questions. She had had to not only get over the break-up with her boyfriend of nine years, but also, explain the break-up to all who knew them at home, at church and what have you.

To make matters worse, everyone believed her beau was such a great catch that it must have been her fault that he broke up with her and some ladies at church went as far as asking her to confess what she did to them so that they go apologize to him on her behalf. He was a wonderful man, they said, and would forgive her if she begged him, and they added their voices to it. The thing was, her boyfriend was gay. She had been his beard for the nine years they were together. He had told her he had pledged abstinence till marriage and had always chastised her for tempting him whenever her hormones got the better of her.

She had decided to surprise him one day only to hear moans from his room. Thinking it was his flatmate narrowing him again, she had rang his cell only to hear it ring in the room. He told her he wasn't at home, and she had used her key to find him in a compromising position with his 'flatmate'. Instead of staying to face the music and coming out, he had skipped town, leaving her to do all the explanation and to become more resentful with every question and pitying stare she got. It took her four years to forgive him, and it was only then that she got over him and moved on.

Getting over a break-up isn't an exact science. It is all too relative. Some will take months, others will take years. Some have more to forgive than others and some are more easily forgiving than others. Sometimes, the most difficult person to forgive will be yourself. At times because you (feel you) failed your heart by giving it to your ex, other times, it will be you who wronged your ex so bad that you can't forgive yourself for letting a good catch go. In any case, take all the time you need and be honest to yourself every step of the way.

No matter how long you need, that day always comes. The day you can talk of an ex with nothing more than passing interest. With no need to explain why you dated them or how horrible a person they/you were to anyone. That day, you wont have to say it out loud. You wont have to convince anyone. You will know. That it's truly over.

Like Stephanie Georgopulos said, “Moving on is not like a birthday, you can’t count down the hours ‘til it arrives and you can’t mark it on a calendar and you can’t call up your friends to help you celebrate. You can’t plan for it and you can’t conclude it by blowing out a candle. When moving on happens there will be no announcements, no notifications, no congratulations. There will be no parade; only you will know”.

One Night Stand

She woke up before he did and stood before the mirror
Lips swollen, two hickeys on the side of her neck
With a heavy shadow on her face, the shadow of shame

She woke up before he did, wanting to throw up
Disgust and regret stirring up a storm in her belly
Rising bile to her throat and sending her to the bathroom

She woke up before he did and promptly went back to bed
Hoping she'd wake up later to discover it was all a dream
Crossing her fingers and toes, She woke up before he did and went back to bed

She woke up before he did and snuck out the window
If she didn't see or talk to him before she left
Maybe she could erase last night from her memory

She woke up before he did and called her mama
Sobbing into the phone, she repeated brokenly
" I'm sorry, Mama, I'm not the girl you raised anymore "

She woke up before he did with a tear stained face
And to these old tear trails were added fresh ones
As her prayer warrior mama began to pray with her

She woke up before he did full of regret
Sick to the stomach and craving amnesia
She woke up before he did, a broken woman

But as mama cried out from the depths of her womb
Her deep regret became true repentance
And comfort from above engulfed her grief

She woke up before he did, a broken woman
But she left the hotel before he did, a changed woman
And that was her last one-night stand ever

On Forgiveness...

"To forgive is not to condone the offense, to say it made no difference, or to license its repetition. Rather, forgiveness is a decision to no longer hold an offense against another group or person. It's a choice, just like love. Choose wisely!" ~Robin Harford

Forgiveness is something I struggle with ever so often. One of the joys of letting few people close is that those who do, get really close and so have amazing power to hurt you. 

source: jameswoodward.wordpress.com

Another thing that brings me to the forgiveness struggle over and over is my need to understand things to let it go. When I have been hurt or let down, what caused me the most anguish was the 'Why?'.

For this reason, I am convinced that breaking up with someone without telling them exactly why you broke up with them is tantamount to emotional terrorism... but I digress.

So yeah, the forgiveness thing is not my forte and even less so is the forgetting part. And God being the patient teacher, time and again, I have been reminded of things that make nonsense of holding grudges.

1) Nobody can nor will wrong me to the extent that I wrong God. And if He forgives...

2) No matter how badly someone wrongs me, God wont stay mad at them because I haven't let it go. When they repent, He will forgive them. And will not withhold His blessings from them just cos I said so.

3) Whether we understand the actions of others or not, we are solely responsible for how we choose to process and react to them.

While the first one cannot really be debated, or at least elicits very little debate from me, the second and third have struck close to home a couple of times. 

When you seek closure from a past hurt and you realize your past tormentor doesn't remember and has changed and so feels bad and apologizes although they don't remember, you realize how futile holding on to past hurt and grudges are. You're often the only one who suffers... and remembers.

Makes you wonder who you hurt and may not even remember, doesn't it?

When you see a friend's ex who was cheating with like ten different girls become a pastor and marry an amazing minister of God, and go on to have an awesome life while your friend still harbors some resentment, you realize how God isn't waiting for your forgiveness to bless someone.

And even when they don't change but remember and feel no remorse, you see them later on and realize that allowing their decision to be deliberately evil to affect your soul is a complete waste of time and emotional resources.

And you realize how although the starting quote said it was a choice, it's a necessary choice.

source: randomthoughtsonlifeblog.com

How do you handle forgiveness? What makes it easier?

How are you really, friend?

Friends are those rare people who ask how we are and then wait to hear the answer.
-- Ed Cunningham

Three words, nine letters, and it can make all the difference in the world: “How are you?” At times I am convinced that a sincere “How are you?” says more about how much you mean to someone than an “I love you”.

We can gush out an “I love you” to a stranger that lets us go before them to the bathroom when they notice us dancing to the tune of a bursting bladder and totally mean it at the time. And of course, we can say it more times than we can count no matter how false it may be when we feel it is what we need to say to get ‘some’.

But I have noticed this; No matter how badly you want a person or want a favor from said person, or are grateful to said person, it is mighty hard to listen to the answer to “How are you?” when you do not care. Especially when the answer is anything other than “I am fine, thanks for asking”.

At times, I do not realize how far I have drifted from a friend until they ask “How are you?” If a reflex “I am fine” comes out when I am anything but, I know the friendship is going downhill and I need to decide if I’m going to try and save it or just watch it fall into that dark abyss of past friendships.

If I ask a perfunctory “How are you?” and cannot be bothered to listen to anything that is not an equally cursory “I am fine”, I know there is no need lying to myself about how little someone really matters.

It amazes me how amazed everyone is at a suicide. The amazement is even more amazing when the person has tons of ‘friends’ and loved ones coming out to say how sorry and sad they are and that they had no idea what the person was going through.

It makes me wonder, if people are such amazing actors/actresses, why are we being plagued with so many horrible movies these days? (JK! Ok, half-kidding)

It makes me wonder, would someone asking “How are you?” and waiting to hear the full answer, no matter how long and horrible it was, have made a difference? I don’t know… but I wonder.

A failed suicide attempt had parents and friends ask; “Why?” “Why didn’t you talk to us?” “How could we not know?” Still shaking from the visit to the no man’s land between life and death, Anna said, “You did not ask”. Mary looked away and said ‘I did. You didn’t listen’

While some people would judge and say you should be proactive about seeking help when you need it, blah blah blah, I think of how often we ask ‘How are you?’ and neither expect nor wait for a real answer.

Sometimes all we need is someone to listen. So what if the next time I ask a friend ‘How are you?’ I ask in a way that told them they could get vulnerable? What would I learn? What could I prevent?

#thingsIthinkaboutat4am

I know the internet has made long-distance relationships 'easier' and our loved ones are more available to us now when they are not with us than they've ever been. Yet, sometimes, like a sick child or a pregnant woman who will refuse any food that is not the vegetarian pizza sold 50 miles away when they are not even vegetarian, no amount or mode of communication can fill the void of their absence.

There are just those times where you want to go and find Celine Dion and hug her for her song 'When I need Love' because you're detesting the miles and miles of empty spaces and realizing a telephone can truly not take the place of a smile...

It sucks that Long-Distance is inevitable at times. Watching the army wives and girlfriends around me, I don't know how they do it. Even people with ah-so-frequent communication are crying for more. I asked my friend how she did it and she said no matter how little of him she gets, she'd rather have 0.001% of him that 0%. I guess that sorta kinda makes sense...

I’d rather have you here…

I know I could text you, IM you, ping you, etc.

But I’d rather hear your voice

I’d rather feel your stubble

Gently grazing my neck

As you whisper into my ear

I’d rather breathe you in

With my arms around you

Holding you near

I’d rather not text,

Or Skype, or IM

I’d rather have you here

And it hurts,

That I can’t have

What I’d rather

But through all the pain,

If stopping the pain

Means saying goodbye,

I’d rather miss you

I’d rather hurt

Although above all,

I’d rather have you here.

(Right now)

PS: Distance can go play in traffic right now.
PPS: I just realized this is my 100th post.