Cupid has a Darn Good Lawyer (III)...

I put a value on the tears I cried when he broke up with me and the weight I gained through comfort eating and the sweat I had to work up at the gym to burn those pounds off.  Put a value on my mental agony, anxiety and stress I went through whenever he misbehaved. I did the same for all the other grievances and my chest puffed with pride as I watched the numbers pile up. At this rate, I was going to be a trillionaire at Cupid’s expense...

But cupid’s lawyer was right. My heart would not let me lie and when I came to citing the benefits and valuing them, it showed me that it had an equal capacity to remember hawppiness as it did to remember pain. By the time I was done, I was in the negative. I was as shocked as you and went back to carefully scrutinize the two accounts carefully. Yup! I owed Cupid. Big Time.

You see, the time he made me cry and call him every name under the earth was crossed out by the time he made me so happy I sang ‘I have the best boyfriend in the world all week. Never heard the song? Don’t worry. I haven’t recorded it yet. As for the weight gain, they were cancelled by the weight I lost being too happy to eat or being satisfied just sitting and chatting with him.

Cupid had a darn good lawyer because he made me do all the work and still won the case. He has a proven 100% track record. If he had gone to Harvard Law School, he would have graduated top of his class. He is very efficient and wins his cases using as little of the company’s resources as possible. Whatever your field, he would find a way to make you argue his case out for him, in your

own language and terms.

Cupid has a brilliant lawyer and if you want, you can try him out; although if I were you, I’d save myself the time and hassle. I asked him what he would have done if I had ended up with a positive value. 'A valid question', he said, '...a few did. But they forget to factor in the fact that although Cupid’s bow plants seeds, you humans are always in control of your senses and willpower and yet choose to willingly succumb and fertilize these tiny seeds Cupid sows into towering oaks. Cupid often offers to share the respvnsibility and even when he takes ninety percent, the ten is enough to send them into the negative'. 'And those who pass this stage too?' I asked…’If I told you, I’d have to kill you', he smiled.

Cupid’s brilliant lawyer is a businessman too. Seeing I would never be able to pay off the debt in one lifetime, he offered to cancel my debt if I gave him and the company ‘Cupid and co.’ a raving review on my blog, telling the whole world he whooped my backside fair and square. Yes, this post was written under duress.

So there, Cupid, consider our debt settled. I still think you’re a lousy shot though. If I bought you contacts, would you wear them? :P

The End...

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Cupid has a Darn Good Lawyer (II)

On one such day, I became so angry with cupid that I decided to go find him and sue him for causing both collateral and emotional damage to me by being careless with his bow and arrow. Spurred on by the fact that I had many friends who could write LLB and LLM after their names, I traveled far and wide and met him perched on a baobab tree, about to shoot an unassuming young couple.

The young man was helping the beautiful girl position her pot on her head after helping her draw water from the well, his well built muscles glistening with the sweat from his exertion. They looked so young, so carefree. “Stop!” I screamed. 'Have you not caused enough trouble?' I asked.

Startled, he dropped his bow. 'How may I help you?' He asked. I laughed a mirthless laugh. 'Help me? No, thanks, I’ve had all the help from you I can stomach for a lifetime'. ‘Is this a legal suit? He asked. Aha! I thought. “I see I am not the first one to seek legal action against you. You agree you’ve made some mistakes then". 'I’ll admit nothing of the sort'. He said. 'But yes, sadly, you’re not the first to seek legal action against me. And for people like you, so I don’t have to take time off my all important job, I have a lawyer'.

He whistled and his lawyer appeared. 'Why don’t you people wear clothes? I asked, discomfited by the flagrant display of nudity. 'Our job is best done with full disclosure', he said, winking and darted off saying ‘He will address all your concerns’

Cupid’s lawyer was very professional and efficient. He took down my name, etc. and asked me to state my case. I began to list all the reasons I believed Cupid made a terrible mistake pairing … and I off and in the process, caused me unnecessary distress and pain, which I believed I should be compensated for. I counted them - 143 good reasons. I will not bore you with the details. When I was done, he asked, is that all? Surprised, I asked 'Is that not enough? Do you require more?' He shrugged and said, 'People often have more'.

'What do you do?' He asked. 'I am a student'. 'What do you study?' 'Economics', I said. 'Good. This should make our meeting shorter'. He said, genuinely happy. His smile made me nervous. What possible reason could he have to smile? I was about to make them pay for the harm they caused me.

‘Your concerns listed here all look valid'. He said. Still smiling, he continued, 'Supposing my client were to own up to all these offenses listed, you economists believe that intangible costs and benefits can be measured by the use of...' ‘Shadow Pricing’ I offered. 'Right. So you would have no problem helping me quantify these grievances you have listed'. 'At all!' I said. 'I will just attempt to put a monetary value on my tears, heartache, sighs, etc. and give you a round figure'.

'Do that', he said. 'And to be fair, wouldn’t your marginal cost, marginal benefit thing come in here too? I mean, unless you are saying you benefited in no way from this allegedly accidental’ liason'. ‘of course, not’ I answered. 'Could you make a list of those benefits and shadow-price them as well?' ‘You would trust me to do that accurately? Knowing I have incentive to overstate cost and understate benefit?' I asked. 'Well here’s some economics for you. People respond to incentives'. He smiled and said ‘Your heart won’t let you lie. I’ll bank on that’ and flew away to God-knows-where.

(To be continued Tomorrow)

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Cupid has a Darn Good Lawyer...

Everyone I knew asked 'why him' when they met him. I always replied, 'why not him?' Truth be told, I wondered a few times myself. He was not what I felt at the time, was ‘my type’. He was just about my height. I liked them tall. He was Nzema, I was Fante; and my mother had vowed she would disown me and call upon the 99 gods of Kakumdo to visit every imaginable curse on me if I disrespected her wishes and brought an Nzema man home.

She said her great-great-grandmother had made her great-grandmother promise, who made her grandmother promise, who made… you get the picture. Yet here was I, helplessly enamored of my (insert sufficiently Nzema sounding name here)

I liked to observe at parties. He was the life of every party we went to. I was a diehard democrat. He was republican. I loved chocolate and ice-cream, he was lactose intolerant. Seriously so. Even watching me eat these could trigger his, ahem, intolerance.

I liked hugs, and subtle public displays of affection, like tucking my hair behind my ear, or brushing your hands over my unruly eyebrows in what we both know is a futile attempt to tame them. He believed his hugs and suchlike had to be ‘earned’ or taken. His arrogance and my pride made for many a frustrated encounter.

When I was with him, I couldn’t name a single difference if my life depended on it. When we were apart, they became glaring and once I start listing them, I become convinced Cupid was playing a mean prank the day he shot us....

(To be continued Tomorrow)

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