Thursday, July 14, 2011

It's good to look back and see how far you've come once in a while...

In my first year of University, I was painfully shy and would cross the road to avoid passing a group of guys if I saw them coming early enough to avoid it looking really awkward and suspicious. Spotting them early enough was kind of hard to do though because I insisted on walking with all my attention on the pavement as if it was the most interesting thing I’d ever seen.
I was scared of even my own shadow back then. I didn’t dare look in their direction if I had to swallow the bitter pill of passing them. What was I scared of? 
1) that someone may like what he saw and endeavour to make me a target for his ‘lustful desires’. I had heard stories of how third and final years pounced on unassuming, naive girls like myself. I was aware how vulnerable I was because of how little I knew and had been exposed to. And it scared me… and made me afraid.
2) I was scared that someone wouldn’t like what he saw and make a remark or comment that would mar my self-esteem which was perpetually on life-support back then.
Today, my self-esteem is off life-support, not because I think of myself any highly than I used to back then, sadly. It’s because I have recognized that even if I bumped into twenty people in one day who all hated how I looked, spoke, or everything I am, they are only twenty out of over six billion people.
I walk comfortably past a group of guys now. I even check them out to see if there’s any eye candy to feast my eyes upon for a few seconds. I am not the girl I used to be… and I am glad.
So, what personal change are you grateful for?


  1. Wow wonder we are friends. Because I faced similar self-esteem and confidence issues as you! From Primary through JSS and it even worsened in an all girls school like Gey Hey. I remember people used to think that I was rude because I didnt pay them any attention and just passed by them. If only they knew that, like you, when walking, my eyes were constantly glued to the ground, and making eye contact was as difficult as climbing Mt Everest! In Gey Hey, I would never raise my hand to answer a question even if I was the only one who knew the answer because I dreaded the fact that all eyes would be on me when answering! times change. Now, I'm much better. I dont have a huge ego about myself but am more confident in myself and abilities. And this does not come from what people think of you but what you know and think about yourself. ANd life is so much better with this realisation and change!

  2. Yes, it is. I'm glad we're here no matter how long it took us to get here. And it's so easy for people to mistake fear/shyness for rudeness. I knew we got along so well because we had a lot in common. I'm sure there are others we're yet to discover :)

  3. What am i Grateful for?? Alot dear,most especially my ability to accept the fact that everything happens for a reason & move on with the hope of a brighter day. :)

  4. Wow! This story is very similar to that of mine. But, I am yet to overcome my shyness. I'm getting there though. Sometimes so people don't even believe me when I say I'm shy. But...when they see my shyness is they start to believe. I hope that becomes a past someday.

    We all have something we want to overcome...and shyness is one of mine. Thanks for sharing your story.

  5. @ Didi: I love your optimism too. please keep it up!
    @SweetlyBroken: I know, right. People never believe you until they see it. And even then, they sometimes mistake it for being a snob. You will overcome it gradually. I still freeze sometimes. I still have a long way to go, but at least I'm closer than I was yesterday.