I Break Too...

I am the girl with the 'I don't need you' smile
With the 'don't come close' walk
With the 'go away' glare


I am everywhere.


You see me in the cafeteria with my Classic Literature
Laughing at something a dead author wrote long ago
Looking engrossed in a world of my own
Glaring furiously at anyone who approached 
The seat across from me
Can't you see I don't want you here? My glare says
Can't you see I'm avoiding you?
Everyone? It asks.


I'm reading classic literature 
Because I do not want to fall in love
With a character whose kind may exist in real life
Who I may chance upon 
and actually fall in love with.
With the 'thees' and 'thous' and knights and dukes
I let my guard down
I laugh, I smile, I fall in love
It's a zero risk lottery because 
they cannot love me back even if they wanted to
And so I expect nothing, receive nothing
And that nothingness is comforting and safe
Because I control it


I am the girl with the 'who needs love' laugh
With the 'leave me be' tone
And the 'repulsed yet?' style


Hiding under clothes that blend me in...
With the walls and hallways of Campus
You see me and smile, I glance away
You say 'hello' and I bob my head furiously
To music only I can hear...
Music which does not exist
My earphones haven't been plugged in 
To anything for as long as I can remember


A tap on the shoulder causes me to cringe
A tender goodbye scares me...
Please don't ask for a hug
Don't stare, don't share, don't care
for I might do something crazy, like care back
Like let you in the fortress I've built around my heart
It's taken 20 something years, 10 months and 29 days
To get it just right
Don't poke through that crack; don't knock on that gate
Don't try to get through... 
Please don't try


Unless you're here to stay


For under the steel reinforced concrete lies a fragile heart
that breaks easily
Under the 'whatever' shrug and certain retreat
Is a woman and a girl with long buried feelings
Which seem to want to come back to life for you
And under all that ice,
I break too!


So Go Away!!!
(Please Stay!)


True, the walls keeping you out are locking me in
And I feel suffocated sometimes
But my fear and pride insist 'Stay out!'
As my heart cries feebly...
'Please, Stay?'


Whatever you decide, tread carefully
For be not fooled, I break too!